Thursday, 6 June 2013

the movies, mcdonalds, and my love affair with salad

Yesterday, I went to McDonalds TWICE. Yes, I know. This crazy health nut gluten-free lactose-intolerant girl does occasionally go to McDonalds. I like their coffee a lot ( I think it's the cream... so unhealthy and delicious and lactosey) and in a pinch I will eat one of their salads. If I have a spare few hours to be sick I will get something ice cream related, but I don't think I need to explain why that doesn't happen very often...

 The first time I went to McDonald's yesterday was actually not for me at all, I was just grabbing a coffee for my mom. I was looking at an add for their Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.

"Mmmm that actually looks so good," I said to the girl at the register.
"Yeah, they really are."
"So what's in it, is it made with ice cream?" I asked.
"Uhhh... no..." she began looking nervous and uncertain  "Uhhh... I think it's made with like...uh..."
"Cream? Milk?" I tried to help her out, clearly I was distressing her.
"Yeah, I think it's like, milk and eXpresso."
I almost lost it. EXPRESSO? SERIOUSLY??? You work here!!! You see this word spelled in front of your nose EVERY DAY. You probably hit a button that says "ESpresso" every day of your life!!! Is there an "x"? No! Is there a"ks"? No! Is there even a slightly more confusing "cs"? NO! Sweetie, please! Has the educational system failed you this much?!
And then I realize that the answer is probably "yes", and I just want to hug her... then offer to tutor her...
But instead of all of this I just smile sweetly, say thank you, and leave.

My next McDonald's adventure involved my friend Hannah. We were going to the movies, and I realized that I hadn't eaten a proper lunch or dinner, so I really should eat something somewhat substantial before going to bulk barn and loading up on my favourite theatre-going snacks.

So I ordered a salad (the Teriyaki one), but when we got the window they didn't have that one, so I had to have the Tuscan one instead. Then I had to ask for it without cheese. So we paid at the first window and drove up to the second, where they informed us they had to make the salad fresh, so could we please drive into the waiting zone?

"They're probably going out to pick the lettuce," Hannah suggested as she ate her milkshake (with a spoon, she just had her wisdom teeth out, poor girl!)
"Mmm, that would be delicious!"
5 minutes later.
"I think they really are picking the lettuce."
10 minutes later.
"Ok, they're picking ALL the vegetables, and slaughtering the chicken."
Finally, they brought my food.
"Umm... is this for me?" I was confused at the food baggie and Happy Meal box the employee handed me.
"Oh, maybe not. Ugh, he told me it was your car!" The employee storms off. Look girl, I don't know who "he" is, but I want my salad!
15 minutes later it arrived and we finally were off to the movies.

Now, I'm super pro at sneaking food into movie theatres. It's called a purse (and/or large pockets). I'm cheap and my favourite snacks live in the Bulk Barn, not Cineplex. A salad was no challenge to me. However, when I got it in, I realized I needed to put the dressing on and shake it up.

This is me eating salad today. It was leftover in this big bowl in the fridge,  and I didn't want to dirty another one... 
I eat a lot of salads. Salads with meat on them. And goat cheese. Every day. Sometimes twice a day. I've become a shameless salad shaker. At first, I was a little reserved about the whole open the container, pour the dressing on, close the container again, and shake it up. It seems like a rather personal process, and I didn't really like feeling like people were watching me, judging my salad shaking. However, I have decided that it is the best way to evenly distribute all the dressing, and I refuse to give it up just because people look at me funny. So I shake my salad rapidly, with much vigor, and no shame. Then I eat it... and sometimes judgmentally reflect on how much healthier I am then the people eating their gluten-y sandwiches.

 I pulled the dressing out of the baggy.
"Yogurt." I read on the package.
"Yogurt?!" Hannah asked, sounding disgusted and appalled.
"People will do anything to be 'low fat'. Garlic yogurt dressing. What the heck?! I'm sorry for how atrocious my breath is going to be."

So I shook my salad. Then I ate my salad. AAAND it made me feel sick. You would think that a SALAD from McDonald's would at least not give you McStomach, but alas, McStomach I had and the only way of curing it was to eat up all my banana chips and chocolate covered ginger with a goodwill.

We watched "After Earth". Afterwards Hannah said...
"Wow, that was like The Hunger Games, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings all at once. If I ever feel a craving for all of the movies at once, I'll just watch that movie."
 "Except not... because it was terrible," I concluded, and we agreed.

The end.