Wow, it has been so long since I have written a blog, and so much has happened! Here I sit, with a weird, healthy pie baking in the oven, and I'm reminded of last year, when I baked a lot of weird food and wrote a lot of weird blogs on a regular-ish basis. Only now I'm sitting in a dorm common kitchen, at bible college, in Saskatchewan. Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful for. Rewind to this summer. I had an amazing summer! I finally quit working at Sobeys and had a super sweet job as an intern at my church. It was tons of fun, lots of work, exhausting, stretching, and encouraging. Over the past year I have known that the Lord is directing me into some sort of full-time ministry, but I'm not exactly sure what. My experience working at the church over the summer helped clarify a few of my strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. I also had some wonderful opportunities to use and practice some of the gifts God has given me.

 At the beginning of August I had a conversation with my pastor about my future. I expressed my frustration and confusion about not knowing where to go or what to do. He encouraged me to return to school, to get a degree in something practical. When I told him all I wanted to do was be in ministry, he recommended two bible colleges, I picked one, went through the application process, was accepted, and here I am at Briercrest! The way the funds have come in has been absolutely miraculous. I am so thankful and so blessed.

I am absolutely loving it here. I still don't have a clear sense of call. I still don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate or even next year. I am learning how to trust in big and small ways. I'm in the Bachelor of Arts in Biblical Studies program right now, I may take on a Music or Worship Arts minor, we shall see. I'm on a worship team and am going to start doing some children's ministry stuff soon. I have my own room in an all girls dorm. They feed me gluten-free and dairy free in the caf which is wonderful, but I definitely miss doing my own cooking! I miss home sometimes, especially my nieces (so sad to think of them growing up without me!) but I know this is where God wants me.

Did I mention I got my braces off? YAY! Do I look 22 yet? Nope haha but that's ok.

it's flat here, and the sun.

My Greek textbook describes my Greek pursuits so accurately, as well as the rest of my life.

Just how the Greek letter "iota"looks in my mind.
 (pronounced "Yo-ta" or if you don't care about diction "Yo-da") 

 It was cold and rain one day and I couldn't handle it. So I ordered these boots. Now I'm set.

"Everything here is green or beige."
or
"Everything here is green or golden."
It's all about perspective.
But mostly it's beige.

Feel so sorry for those married students. You're gettin' flyers whether you want them or not!

Not quite the trails in my backyard at home, but this little walk brightened my day.

This rant is rated PG-13

The beach should be rated PG 13, sometimes R.

Today I went to the beach. By myself cuz I'm cool like that. No seriously, I WANTED to go to the beach by myself. It was actually a really good day. I read, swam, ate, and got a sunburn from the fires of you-know-where itself.
Did I feel silly because I was wearing a modest one piece bathing suit? No. I did not. I felt decidedly comfortable. I'm not fat. I don't have stretch marks. I'm not really even overly self-conscious about my body. But do I feel the need to show it off to the whole world? Not particularly.

I am not a woman who wears a bikini, and I am most definitely not a man, but in my head, this is the way they think.

Woman: *puts on bikini* This looks cute. I like the pattern/colour/design. Tan lines will be minimal. I think I'll wear this today.

Man: *sees woman in bikini* I love when women wear their underwear in public.

Am I wrong?

As a girl seeking to honour God with my life, it follows that I want to honour the Christian guys around me by not dressing provocatively. Not only that, I want to respect the temple God has given me by not making it an object of lust to any man.

Plus SERIOUSLY girls, take it from a sister, unless you go to the gym every day and don't eat carbs, bikinis are not really all that attractive. Sorry, truth hurts.

I've been shopping for modest bathing suits since I was little. The things I've learned are...

1) Be willing to pay the price. It will last a long time if you don't wear it in chlorine.
2 )Always be on the lookout! I check out the bathing suit collection in almost every store I enter, because nice one-pieces are hard to find.
3) Don't buy it if it doesn't fit. I've bought a couple that weren't quite right thinking I could alter them but it really isn't the same. Wait to find a good one.
4) If you're in a pinch, just grab a sports one. They're not that attractive but they're functional. A pair of board short style shorts over top is sometimes necessary with these.

Here's some good websites.

http://www.limericki.com/WOMEN

http://www.reyswimwear.com/

http://www.modcloth.com/shop/onepiece-swimwear (this one you have to sift through a little more to find a modest one...)

the movies, mcdonalds, and my love affair with salad

Yesterday, I went to McDonalds TWICE. Yes, I know. This crazy health nut gluten-free lactose-intolerant girl does occasionally go to McDonalds. I like their coffee a lot ( I think it's the cream... so unhealthy and delicious and lactosey) and in a pinch I will eat one of their salads. If I have a spare few hours to be sick I will get something ice cream related, but I don't think I need to explain why that doesn't happen very often...

 The first time I went to McDonald's yesterday was actually not for me at all, I was just grabbing a coffee for my mom. I was looking at an add for their Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.

"Mmmm that actually looks so good," I said to the girl at the register.
"Yeah, they really are."
"So what's in it, is it made with ice cream?" I asked.
"Uhhh... no..." she began looking nervous and uncertain  "Uhhh... I think it's made with like...uh..."
"Cream? Milk?" I tried to help her out, clearly I was distressing her.
"Yeah, I think it's like, milk and eXpresso."
I almost lost it. EXPRESSO? SERIOUSLY??? You work here!!! You see this word spelled in front of your nose EVERY DAY. You probably hit a button that says "ESpresso" every day of your life!!! Is there an "x"? No! Is there a"ks"? No! Is there even a slightly more confusing "cs"? NO! Sweetie, please! Has the educational system failed you this much?!
And then I realize that the answer is probably "yes", and I just want to hug her... then offer to tutor her...
But instead of all of this I just smile sweetly, say thank you, and leave.

My next McDonald's adventure involved my friend Hannah. We were going to the movies, and I realized that I hadn't eaten a proper lunch or dinner, so I really should eat something somewhat substantial before going to bulk barn and loading up on my favourite theatre-going snacks.

So I ordered a salad (the Teriyaki one), but when we got the window they didn't have that one, so I had to have the Tuscan one instead. Then I had to ask for it without cheese. So we paid at the first window and drove up to the second, where they informed us they had to make the salad fresh, so could we please drive into the waiting zone?

"They're probably going out to pick the lettuce," Hannah suggested as she ate her milkshake (with a spoon, she just had her wisdom teeth out, poor girl!)
"Mmm, that would be delicious!"
5 minutes later.
"I think they really are picking the lettuce."
10 minutes later.
"Ok, they're picking ALL the vegetables, and slaughtering the chicken."
Finally, they brought my food.
"Umm... is this for me?" I was confused at the food baggie and Happy Meal box the employee handed me.
"Oh, maybe not. Ugh, he told me it was your car!" The employee storms off. Look girl, I don't know who "he" is, but I want my salad!
15 minutes later it arrived and we finally were off to the movies.

Now, I'm super pro at sneaking food into movie theatres. It's called a purse (and/or large pockets). I'm cheap and my favourite snacks live in the Bulk Barn, not Cineplex. A salad was no challenge to me. However, when I got it in, I realized I needed to put the dressing on and shake it up.

This is me eating salad today. It was leftover in this big bowl in the fridge,  and I didn't want to dirty another one... 

I eat a lot of salads. Salads with meat on them. And goat cheese. Every day. Sometimes twice a day. I've become a shameless salad shaker. At first, I was a little reserved about the whole open the container, pour the dressing on, close the container again, and shake it up. It seems like a rather personal process, and I didn't really like feeling like people were watching me, judging my salad shaking. However, I have decided that it is the best way to evenly distribute all the dressing, and I refuse to give it up just because people look at me funny. So I shake my salad rapidly, with much vigor, and no shame. Then I eat it... and sometimes judgmentally reflect on how much healthier I am then the people eating their gluten-y sandwiches.
Anyways.

 I pulled the dressing out of the baggy.
"Yogurt." I read on the package.
"Yogurt?!" Hannah asked, sounding disgusted and appalled.
"People will do anything to be 'low fat'. Garlic yogurt dressing. What the heck?! I'm sorry for how atrocious my breath is going to be."


So I shook my salad. Then I ate my salad. AAAND it made me feel sick. You would think that a SALAD from McDonald's would at least not give you McStomach, but alas, McStomach I had and the only way of curing it was to eat up all my banana chips and chocolate covered ginger with a goodwill.

We watched "After Earth". Afterwards Hannah said...
"Wow, that was like The Hunger Games, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings all at once. If I ever feel a craving for all of the movies at once, I'll just watch that movie."
 "Except not... because it was terrible," I concluded, and we agreed.


The end.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today is your birthday. Cards are stupid. (and are like $6 a piece!) I made this instead. 

I am thankful for the little black book sitting on that park bench.

I am thankful that you read it.
I am thankful that it changed your life from the inside out.
I am thankful that you didn’t keep it to yourself, but shared it with your family.

I am thankful for growing up in a home with two parents seeking the Lord.

I am thankful that I was taught, encouraged, and disciplined in His way.

I am thankful for you telling me I’m beautiful.

I am thankful that I have never had to seek the attention of men to fill a void left by you.

I am thankful that you have supported me always.

I am thankful for every single time you have apologized.

I am thankful for your reproaches.

I am thankful that I haven’t had the battle of reconciling my view of God the Father with a twisted view of an early father.

You are not perfect. You have failed me. You will fail me. I am thankful that every good thing that is in you has come from the Father of Lights, who works in you to will and to do for His good pleasure.

I will not give you accolades or flatter you, but I must tell you that I am so very thankful that God chose you and entrusted you with my care here on this earth.

my life in pictures

I have not blogged in a while. Blog is a funny word, especially when used as a verb. It's makes me think of vomiting out words. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean that, I just blogged!"

Anyways. You may be wondering what I have been up to lately. Chances are slim, as you are probably to busy thinking about your own life or lack there of to care about mine or my lack there of. Still, I'm going to write about my life now so if you're not interested, may I recommend iwastesomuchtime.com or watching some good old Toboscus on youtube.

I have been the woman of many occupations lately. I have been la deli clerk extraordinaire. The other night I looked on as an obviously newly dating couple bonded over their favourite types of lunch meat.
"Excuse me while I go vomit."

I have also been the man of the house. I did some serious stacking of wood as well as some awesome painting. I wore this outfit.

I've also been Picasso and painted pretty paintings.

That's a squirrel.

I have also been Auntie. 

And a darn good one, giving miss Kaleigh a mani/pedi.

I have also made pretty. It does happen occasionally.

I've also taught lots of piano lessons and they've been really fun! Basically, most of my students didn't play the piano this week. We talked about different kinds of keyboards and watched videos of a celesta, a fortepiano, and a guy playing Mozart on water glasses. We also played with water glasses ourselves. I think I may lose some students, as playing water glasses is apparently way more fun than playing the piano.

I have been at church a lot, as usual. Playing the keys and talking to kids and such.

So basically, I've been little miss housewife, except not a wife, so I guess I'm a house-daughter... house child. Ok now I'm thinking about 

and it's weird, I don't even watch that show.

I just made pizza casserole. It smells awesome. There is a picture on my camera, but i'm lazy and honestly no one cares what pizza casserole looks like. The name kind of speaks for itself. It's awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping.

Saturday I am going to make brownies and go to my dear dear dear friend's wedding shower.

working at ebsoys

I'm not supposed to talk about my job on the internet. I could get fired.
This is me caring.

Things About My Work



The other day I saw a woman in an intense snowmobiling jacket and gloves striding through the store very purposefully with a cucumber in hand.

The other week I saw a very bald man accept for a long scraggly pony-tailish patch of black hair at the back of his head.

Adorable encounter with an old man (OLD MEN ARE MY FAVOURITE EVER). I was in the middle of cleaning something, and looked over and saw him looking at the hot food service counter thing.
"Can I help you?" I asked. He shook his head, pointed at his eyes, and pointed at the food, making it clear that he was still looking. I went on about my business for a few more seconds, and when I looked up he pointed at me then at the food. Normally, I would find this rude, but as aforementioned, old men are adorable, so I didn't mind. (I'm talking really old here, like....)

I was wondering to myself if he might be hard of hearing or have difficulty speaking, hence the gesturing, and was a little surprised when he spoke up loud and clear and asked for two pieces of chicken. 

"Oh, sure!" I'm extra sweet cuz he's adorable. I look in the case. "It looks like there's only the breasts left. Is that ok?"

"What's that?" he asks.

"There's only the breasts left, is that ok?" I repeat, mildly embarrassed.

"Oh yes, that's the part I like best." As I turn away to get a container I try to suppress the sudden urge to giggle. I just couldn't help but wonder if he was being smart...

Guy who comes to the deli right before we close.

I'm sorry for chatting with you that one night when I was excessively bored and then shutting you down the next time you came around and attempted to flirt with me. I never should've been so friendly in the first place. So many regrets... I hope your heart is not broken.

The stare of death. 

People come into the store and are chatting away on their phones and expect me to serve them! More than that, they stand at the counter, looking, and chatting, and expect me to go up to them and say "Can I help you?" I refuse. I will not. They usually get the idea and gesture to me and I finally relent and approach, still waiting for them to speak. My face looks like this.

It is very inviting. Sometimes they get the idea and hang up, other times not, and I'm afraid I have to be very short with them. 

Tonight, I was busy cleaning something, when I heard someone loudly whistle a tune. I saw a man standing at the salad counter. I felt rather annoyed. Though not a direct whistle for attention, that had clearly been the idea. I'm afraid I must have given him the above look, for he suddenly became very apologetic.

"Oh, I'm in no rush," he said quickly, "You just finish whatever it is that you're doing." What I was doing was about a half an hour's worth of dishes. I decided that this was a little too severe a punishment.

"Oh no, it's fine," I turned sweet since he was clearly apologetic. I served him, he was nice as could be, and after thanking me he apologized again for taking me away from my work. 

"Oh no, that's fine, this is my job too!" I assured him. I didn't realize I'd given him my stare of death, but I must have, I don't know what else could have upset him so. Now I feel guilty.

New goal: be a nice person.

Revised goal: be a nicer person.

At work I cook chickens. They go upright on a rack and I think they look like headless genies, floating in the air cross-legged. Covered in bbq salt. 

There's a really big sink for washing dishes. I am literally up to my shoulders in water when I try to reach the bottom. As I was doing this tonight, I contemplated weather or not it was possible for me to fall in. I believe that, if I was right on my tippy toes, trying to get something on the bottom that was very heavy, and there was an earthquake, there is a distinct possibly of me falling head first into the suds. That would be the worst ever.

People eat peaces of chopped ham in clear gelatin. It is called head cheese. One time I asked a customer (who had informed me that her husband used to be a butcher) what it was. 

"Oh it's the cheek of the cow," she replied, nonchalantly.

So it is as gross as I thought it was.

One time someone asked if we had it in buckets. Apparently it is best that way. 

my future career options

Lately I have been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed as I try to make decisions about the future. I have been researching many schools, programs, and opportunities and am still completely unsure. All I'm sure of is, I'm COMPLETELY unsure. Not even mildly slanting in one direction or the other.

I have, for the sake of my sanity, compiled a list of potential future careers/life paths.

1. A sailor.
I would prefer this option if I had been born a boy and a couple of centuries ago. I'm not being sexist, I'm being practical. Think for a minute, being the only woman on a ship full of men at sea for months at a time... no. Just, no. But how awesome would it be to leave everything behind you and just live on the sea? Adventures, treasure, sword fighting, exotic places... hmmm I can't decide whether or not I'd rather be in the British navy, or be a pirate. I think the navy. I might want the structure, and civility...

2. Batwoman.
Not Catwoman, Batwoman. Cats cannot fly and are heathens. Plus, I don't do spandex. Plus, Batman doesn't have to use his womanly whiles to seduce or deceive anyone. He just beats them up. I want to be Batwoman, and beat up bad guys. Also drive a tank.

3. A Jedi Knight. Knightess?
The reasons are obvious. Cool powers. Drive space ships. Save the world. Light sabers. Done.

4. A Travelling Trobairitz ( Wikipedia says that's a female troubadour)
Ok, so this one seems the most doable and therefore I find it very exciting. Here's the plan. Learn to play some sort of portable instrument/find a way to strap my 88 key Yamaha to my body, buy a motor home of some sort (don't care as long as it has water hook up), travel across North America singing songs and camping. Who wants to do this with me? Any takers? If you're a man you have to marry me first, just so you know...

5. Marry someone rich.
If I marry someone super rich I could pretty much do any of these other things just for fun. He could buy me a yacht for sailing, I'm sure he could find me a batmobile or have one made, the Jedi thing might be a little hard but I could be content with a hovercraft, and we could have a fancy RV and he could indulge me by occasionally letting me stand on the street corner and singing. If I married a rich man we would have 8 children and send them all to Oxford. It would be wonderful.

a picnic in the theater

Taking a 5 year old to the movies is not as simple as going with one of your friends. It takes time, energy, skill, a good sense of humour, and time. Did I mention time?

Step 1: Pack snacks. You have decided to see the 5:40pm show, which means you will be watching the movie during dinner time.

I didn't want to fill up on junk food, so I packed us sandwiches and fruit, and tell Kaleigh it's a "picnic". Yes, I am that aunt. I realized once we got to the theatre and smelled the popcorn how cruel I was being. But hey, I packed us lifesavers and candy canes...
I am laughing so hard at myself now.

Step 2: Become a clock. On the drive there you will be asked "how much longer?" about every 3-5 minutes, and she will keep track, so don't even try to tell her the same amount of time twice.

It's amazing the random topics she will find to talk about. She started telling me a story about someone in a barrel in a river by the "Nyoo-Ited States" who they were poking with sticks and things? Apparently she saw it at Ripley's Believe It or Not. Also their hotel had two pools. Indoor and outdoor. Daddy liked the outdoor one better.

She was extremely excited because I told her there would be 3D glasses.
"Do we get to keep them after? Do they pass them around when we get there? Do we have to keep them on? Will we get in trouble if we take them off?" I have a vision of theater employees standings like soldiers, one on each step, carefully watching that everyone puts on and takes off their glasses at the appropriate time. I wonder if that's what Kaleigh is imagining.

Step 3: Don't stop at Timmies. She will worry about the time.
"Oh no, there's a big line-up."
"It's fine, Kaleigh, we have 42 minutes before the movie starts."
"Oh. That's a loong time."
"Yeah we've got lots of time."
We then waited about 5 minutes in the drive thru line just to place our order, and another minute or so at the speaker thing. Finally I said "Helloooo" and the employee replied "I'll be with you in a sec."
From the backseat Kaleigh said "One. That was a second, right Auntie?" She looked at me with those big blue eyes, so innocent. She really and truly wasn't being a smarty pants.
"Right, Kaleigh, but usually when grown-ups say they'll be a second, they mean longer, like a couple of minutes."

Step 4: Don't attempt to teach dishonesty.
When we pulled into the theater and parked, I turned to her.
"Now, Kaleigh, don't say anything to the people in the theater about the snacks in my purse, ok?"
"Ok. Why?"
"Because we're not really supposed to have them."
"Oh," she looks and sounds very concerned. "What will they do if they see us with them?"
"Probably nothing, but we just won't let them see us." (oh my gosh I'm terrible I don't think I should be telling people this!)
"But what will they do if they do see us?"
"I don't know, maybe ask us to throw them out, but it's ok, they won't. It will be fine."

Later, in the theater, I asked Kaleigh if she wanted her sandwich.
"No," she said quickly.
"Kaleigh, they're not going to get you in trouble."
"They're not?"
"No," I laugh "Kaleigh it's fine."
"You were just joking?" She asks me, so sweetly, so innocently.
"Yes," I lie. I outright lie to my sweet, beautiful niece. "I was only joking. Now please eat your sandwich."

Step 5: Be prepared for bathroom breaks.

Step 6: Regret packing your "picnic".
"Last time I went to theater with my Mommy and Daddy, and we just bought the food there. Like popcorn."

Yes. I'm sure that was much, much easier.

Step 7: Work out/have a wheelbarrow handy.

A limp, sleeping child is incredibly heavy, especially when they weigh almost half of what you do. I think she fell asleep mid-sentence on the way home, and didn't even wake up when I awkwardly pulled her from the car and carried her inside.

The Turn of The Tide by C.S. Lewis

Found this in a book of poems by C.S. Lewis. A beautiful imagining about the birth of Christ. The meter is a little strange, I had to read a couple of phrases more than once to find the rhythm.

Also, there are leprechauns.

"Breathless was the air over Bethlehem. Black and bare

Were the fields; hard as granite the clods;

Hedges stiff with ice; the sedge in the vice

Of the pool, like pointed iron rods.

And the deathly stillness spread from Bethlehem. It was shed

Wider each moment on the land;

Through rampart and wall into camp and into hall

Stole the hush; all tongues were at a stand.

At the Procurator's feast the jocular freedman ceased

His story, and gaped. All were glum

Travellers at their beer in a tavern turned to hear

The landlord; their oracle was dumb.

But the silence flowed forth to the islands and the North

And smoothed the unquiet river bars

And levelled out the waves from their revelling and paved

The sea with cold reflected stars.

Where the Caesar on Palatine sat at ease to sign,

Without anger, signatures of death,

There stole into his room and on his soul a gloom,

And his pen faltered, and his breath.

Then to Carthage and the Gauls, past Parthia and the Falls

Of Nile and Mount Amara it crept;

The romp and war of beast in swamp and jungle ceased,

The forest grew still as though it slept.

So it ran about the girth of the planet. From the Earth

A signal, a warning, went out

And away behind the air. Her neighbours were aware

Of change. They were troubled with a doubt.

Salamanders in the Sun that brandish as they run

Tails like the Americas in size

Were stunned by it and dazed; wondering, they gazed

Up at Earth, misgiving in their eyes.

In Houses and Signs Ousiarchs divine

Grew pale and questioned what it meant;

Great Galactal lords stood back to back with swords

Half-drawn, awaiting the event,

And a whisper among them passed, 'Is this perhaps the last

Of our story and the glories of our crown?

--The entropy worked out?--The central redoubt

Abandoned? The world-spring running down?

Then they could speak no more. Weakness overbore

Even them. They were as flies in a web,

In their lethargy stone-dumb. The death had almost come;

The tide lay motionless at ebb.

Like a stab at that moment, over Crab and Bowman,

Over Maiden and Lion, came the shock

Of returning life, the start and burning pang at heart,

Setting Galaxies to tingle and rock;

And the Lords dared to breathe, and swords were sheathed

And a rustling, a relaxing began,

With a rumour and noise of the resuming of joys,

On the nerves of the universe it ran.

Then pulsing into space with delicate, dulcet pace

Came a music, infinitely small

And clear. But it swelled and drew nearer and held

All worlds in the sharpness of its call.

And now divinely deep, and louder, with the sweep

and quiver of inebriating sound,

The vibrant dithyramb shook Libra and the Ram,

The brains of Aquarius spun round;

Such a note as neither Throne nor Potentate had known

Since the Word first founded the abyss,

But this time it was changed in a mystery, estranged,

A paradox, an ambiguous bliss.

Heaven danced to it and burned. Such answer was returned

To the hush, the Favete, the fear

That Earth had sent out; revel, mirth and shout

Descended to her, sphere below sphere.

Saturn laughed and lost his latter age's frost,

His beard, Niagara-like, unfroze;

Monsters in the Sun rejoiced; the Inconstant One,

The unwedded Moon, forgot her woes.

A shiver of re-birth and deliverance on the Earth

went gliding. Her bonds were released.

Into broken light a breeze rippled and woke the seas,

In the forest it startled every beast.

Capripods fell to dance from Taproban to France,

Leprechauns from Down to Labrador,

In his green Asian dell the Phoenix from his shell

Burst forth and was the Phoenix once more.

So death lay in arrest. But at Bethlehem the bless'd

Nothing greater could be heard

Than a dry wind in the thorn, the cry of the One new-born,

And cattle in stall as they stirred."

Christmas giving: what's it going to take?

To all of my readers (cuz I know there is actually a plethora of you out there, just for some reason you're not showing up in my view count thing...) Ahem To all of my readers, if you don't believe in God, I hope you will still read my blog, and learn about why I believe in God, and why I live the way I do. If you don't believe in God and it really irritates you to read blogs which refer to him... I still hope you will read my blog.

So, the other day I was in Sobeys grocery shopping, and when I left I walked past one of the Salvation Army Christmas Kettles. After I walked past it I asked myself, why do I always walk past these things? I discovered that, oddly enough, my main reason for walking by is embarrassment. Why the heck would I embarrassed to give to charity? For some reason the thought of stopping in the middle of a doorway, having to dig through my purse for my wallet, and then through my wallet for change, and then try and get it into the little slot (slots are such a challenge for me!) makes me break out into a cold sweat. So really, is that a good reason not to give to charity? I don't think so. I think about all the sad news announcements about charities not reaching their donation goals and feel very guilty. So I says to myself I says "Kaitlyn, there will be other kettles. The next time you come across one you will put money in."

About half an hour later I was leaving Canadian Tire and, what do you know? Another kettle. Now's my chance! I'm walking closer, closer, closer, and... I pass by. I hear the pathetic "jingle jingle" as the door shuts behind me, and I've missed my chance again. Even the immense pain in my conscience is not enough to get me to turn around. "There will be others," I tell myself. "You will have another chance!"

About half an hour later I am at the cash register at Independent. I have just paid for my order when the cashier from the next till says to me "Did you get that goat cheese, dear?" Lo and behold, I had goat cheese in my cart, hidden under my purse, and I had been about to leave with it! Embarassed, I paid for the goat cheese. As I'm headed out the door, guess what I see? Another kettle. Already flustered by the goat cheese situation, I am clearly incapable of stopping, opening my wallet, searching for change, and getting it in the slot.
As I walk through the automatic doors I nearly barf all over the linoleum floors. I make myself sick. I am a despicable human being. Ever heard of someone being a Judas? Well I'm a Peter. Three times... cockadoodledoo!!!

 I get to my car and am searching in my purse for my phone when I feel a mysterious object in my purse. I pull it out, and, horror of horrors, I discover that I HAVE STOLEN something! A stick of organic, paraben free deodorant, no less. Apparently, I had put it in my purse after checking to make sure it smelled good (it does, by the way). It takes me about 2 seconds to realize I am going back in to pay for my deodorant. I march myself into the Independent and announce: "I stole this, and now I would like to pay for it."

You better believe that after all that I PUT MONEY IN THE STUPID KETTLE!

Just another little story about why I believe in God. He knows us, He knows our hearts, and He knows what it will take to get us to act. I need to be a more giving person. Clearly.

Hebrews 4

Over the past week or so I felt just awful. I knew I should snap myself out of it, but I didn't care enough to. This is what I wrote...

I feel frustrated, lost, overwhelmed, and angry. I feel like I have given up so much, and for what? If God told me tomorrow to hop on a plane headed for Africa, I think I'd do it. This sitting around and waiting is the worst. It's not even nice waiting, like anticipation, because I have no idea what's coming or when or if it's going to be any fun when it gets here. I'm worried I'm going to be stuck here, in this place emotionally, physically, and spiritually, forever.
I'm uncertain about what to do with my time. There are so many things I could be doing but I don't know what I should be doing.
I feel so far from God, and so tired. I need to be peaceful and rest in Him, but I also need to "not grow weary in well doing." 
I'm sinking into the green, filthy murk of my own pride.

Hebrews 4:18 "For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted."

Jesus must have been tempted to sink into melancholy. The Holiest of Holies, dwelling with our filth. He knew the eternal destiny of every soldier marching past, ever merchant selling their wares, every beggar, every Pharisee, ever child. He knew his own fate, to suffer on the cross, to be separated from God for a time. How tempting it must have been to just stay in bed, go back to sleep, stay in the garden alone and weep.
He must really get it when people can't seem to stop being sad, when they are feeling overwhelmed, tired, weak.  "He... being tempted... is able to aid those who are tempted."
^{Hebrews 4: 14} Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,^[f] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵ For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

It is a humbling experience to ask for help, whether it is from a friend, a mentor, or God Himself. He longs to equip us with what we need to meet our day, our responsibilities, our trials. To greet whatever comes with a peaceful, confident attitude. Whatever comes.
Whatever comes. 

driving in cars with grandmas

Sitting in the passenger's seat while my 82 year old grandmother drives puts a whole new meaning to the words "awe" and "fear". If you were in the queue of cars behind us, I apologize.
"Nana, just so you know the speed limit is 80 on this road," I say sweetly.
"Oh, ok."
Continues to drive 65. A couple of times I feel the car speed up and glance hopefully at the speedometer, only to feel that horrible lurching feeling of the brakes being applied. Have I mentioned I'm sorry if you were behind us?
Next we get to the highway. It's a 4 lane, highway, not big, but clearly a highway.
"Is it 80 on this road?"
"No, it is 100."
"Oh. That's why all the cars are passing me."
Yes, that would be why.
When we get into town, we approach a round-about at a fairly steady clip, getting closer and closer to the black truck ahead, whose brake lights glow a foreboding red. Closer, closer, closer, my life flashes before my eyes and I think to myself "Well, there are worse ways to die", when she finally applies those wonderful brakes.
Next we approach a stoplight. We will be turning left, but the light is red.
"Where am I going?"
"Left."
Proceeds into intersection.
"Not on a red!" I can't help myself, but the light turns green and we continue driving.
"What was that, dear?"
I laugh nervously, "Oh nothing, I was just like, 'no, not..." The brakes make a comeback and we lurch to a stop. This exchange has taken only a matter of seconds, and we are smack in the middle of the intersection.
"No? Not left?" she questions in a panic.
"No! I mean, yes, left! GO!!"

We park and I go into a store while Nana waits in the car. When I come out and get in the car I tell her.
"Ok, Nana, you're going to go straight now and then turn right at the light."
"Oh, ok." She responds, and we pull on to the street.
"Ok, so see that light? You're going to turn right at that light." I say.
"Ok."
We pull up to the light.
"Ok, so where am I going?"
"Right."
"Ok."
Oi.

I won't even try to explain what happened when we got to the roundabout again and had to turn right twice within a matter of seconds. It was almost beyond us. We managed, however.

Later we get to the parking lot at Wal-Mart.

"I'm going to try to get nice and close," she says as we cut across parking spaces willy-nilly.
"Ok," I reply. I am not even bothering to watch for other cars at this point, I figure if I'm going to die, I don't want to see it coming.
"How about right here?" She asks. I open my eyes and find we are between two enormous trucks, a mile away from the entrance and with the nose of our car jutting out about 3 feet past the others.
"This is fine, Nana, but I think you need to back up just a smidge," I say when I have unlocked my jaw.

The ride home is much faster, though as I watch that scary white line on the side of the road get closer and closer to our tires, I'm wondering if we were better off communing with the snails.

We made it home. Safe and sound. I hope that when I'm 82 I can still drive a car, and will be willing to move to a new town "up north" after living in the same home for 30 years, to live with my son and his wife and their crazy radical daughter who has no job, isn't in school, and almost all her friends have moved away and left her.

Yes, I think my Nana's pretty cool, and I'm going to keep letting her drive. Life's short and I want to live it, and I want her to live it too.

mawwiage

I can't believe what happened this weekend. My Kevin got married. MY KEVIN GOT MARRIED! Also, my Lay-Ka got married.
To my Kevin.
WHAT?!
Why are we all so OLD?

Anyways, Kevin is one of my best friends in the whole world. Our moms met in the hospital when we were just weeks old (we were both sick, poor wee babies). They would chat and Kevin's mom, Glenda, would keep an eye on me in the hospital when my mom had to go home to look after my older brothers. They lost touch afterwards, though.
About two years later, in a little town called Bracebridge, a two hour drive north of where they originally met, my mom saw, or thought she saw, Glenda in McDonald's, with a little boy about my age. My mom hesitated though, and then they were gone. Five minutes later, we ran into them again in Zellers. Friendship was rekindled. What was the likelihood of both families moving from "the city" to the small town of Gravenhurst, and then running into each other on an outing in Bracebridge? Destiny, that's what.

19 years later I'm driving in my car to McDonald's to buy Kevin a small regular coffee. I just bought him a present at GT Boutique, camo "onesie" pajamas, and next I'm headed to the LCBO for a can of Richard's Red. In my trunk I have my entire collection of beauty supplies, a black dress, grey tights, and black Toms. I get to his house, he takes a swig of coffee followed by a swig of beer. I ask him the question I already know the answer to.
"Have you eaten anything yet today?"
"No..."
"I'm making you food. How about pancakes? Want some pancakes? I'm making you pancakes. Glenda, where is the pancake mix? I hope you have some because I don't know how to make pancakes otherwise. Do you want pancakes too? How about everybody else? You know what, I'm just going to make everybody pancakes! Kevin, get me a frying pan."

This pretty much sums up our friendship. I don't know how he endured my bossiness all throughout the years. I think he learned to just suffer in silence.

A few hours later I'm watching him watch his bride walk down the aisle. I'm listening to him say his vows. I'm crying because he's crying. It is taking everything that's in me not to run into the pastor's office and rip the phone jack out of the wall. I was definitely not feeling the love of Christ toward whoever chose to call the church at that moment.

There were pictures in the pouring rain, there was a beautiful reception with singing and dancing and more tears. There was delicious food and I got served first along with the bride because we were the only people gluten and dairy free (so awesome, remember that next time you go to a wedding! People with allergies get special treatment...)

So two of my dearest friends were married. I get to see my Kevin loved and cherished by a beautiful, godly young woman. I get to see him love and cherish her. Life is good... and God is better.

hope and humbling

God has been shaking my confidence lately. When God shakes your confidence, it's a frightening thing, but you come out just... better. I believe this is called "humbling". 

There are really hard things in all of our lives, and there are some really hard things in mine. I have wishes and hopes and dreams for the people around me, but I'm forced to stand by and watch as they suffer and dig themselves deeper and deeper in sin and pain. I pray for them, I try to pray with faith. I try not to be like the man in James 1, who was a double-minded unstable doubter, like a wave driven and tossed by the wind, yet that is exactly how I feel sometimes, well, most of the time. I always fear that my prayers won't be answered in the way I want them to be. We talk about praying for God's will, but I think our secret fear is that His will won't align with ours.

I was thinking about hope, and how hard it is to have hope for other people. It seems like so much of what happens in our lives is directly dependent on our own behaviour. We live in a world of sin and consequence, of work and reward, of reaping and sowing. My hopes for other people are dependent on them, that they will turn away from their sin and turn to God. My hopes for myself are based on my own self-discipline and obedience to God. The problem is, these hopes aren't fail-proof. I want something I can hope in with confidence, really believing it's going to come to pass.

I think sometimes we think of hope as being more along the lines of wishful thinking. Yet that's not the definition of hope. Webster's says it is "to desire with expectation of obtainment" or "to expect with confidence". This certainly doesn't suggest a passive wish or fancy. The bible doesn't suggest that either. 

As I was struggling and trying to figure out how to hope in faith for God to answer my prayers, I felt Him saying to me. "I have given you an everlasting hope."

Romans 8:23-25

New King James Version (NKJV)

²³ Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

This speaks of a hope in an assured future, waiting knowing that it will happen, knowing your perseverance won't be in vain.

I realized that He is the only One worth putting any hope in at all. The words of Chris Tomlin's song "Jesus Messiah" rang in my head. "All our hope is in You. All our hope is in You" I wondered to myself, what would my life look like if I put all my hope in God? 

If I put all of my hope in the assurance of my salvation, then I would have hope that never fails. If I put all my hope in the promises of God's Word, then I would have hope that never fails.

 It takes so much trust, though, trust that God is bigger, greater, wiser, and infinitely more loving than I could ever be. If I put all my hope in that, in the promises that He makes, wouldn't I be able to live in perfect peace?

I wrote in my journal.

"If all of my hopes are placed in God, how can they ever fail? I need to fixate myself on eternal dreams, dreams that are so caught up in God that they are prophetic."

I like the word "prophetic". It means predictive, foretelling events that will happen. I believe the promises in God's Word, so I can I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will come true. How awesome is it that we can have hopes and dreams that we know will be fulfilled? If our dreams are caught up in Him, in the assurance of His Word.

So I will cling to those promises, that He will never leave me, that He desires that all should come to Him, that He will save those who turn to Him, that His justice will prevail (that's a hard one), and that His plan is better.

Personally, I think that's better than any old wishing star. 

giggle fits, skunks, and kindred spirits

I consider myself a grown up. I am twenty-one, I have lived away from home, I have my G, I have a cheque book (blast this american spell checker! Cheque is a word. It means MONEY. A check is something completely different, like a spell check!), I love to grocery shop, and I am beginning to insist that all my footwear is supportive. These, I think, are very grown up things.
All my life I have lived in the illusion that when I am grown up I will no longer fall victim to... the giggle fit. I have realized, sadly, that this is not the case.
It was clear at 17, when my dad prayed for my girlfriends and I, thanking God  for our friendship and asking that we would continue to "pursue each other", that we were not yet over the giggle fit stage.
It was clear when we were 19, with 6 of us cuddled in a massive snuggle pile while my friend's dad prayed, that we still had not yet overcome.
It was clear to me tonight, at 21, during a very grown up bible study, without even the support of my giggly girlfriends, that I am still prone to the attack of the dreaded giggle fit.

In order to understand how this fit came on, I must relay to you an incredibly sad story.

We have a family who are very very dear friends of ours. I call them aunt and uncle and their daughter is like a younger sister to me. Recently they went on a trip and left their dog and cat with Grandpa.
One night, Grandpa discovered that the dear dog had had an accident on his carpet, well, not just one accident but several. So he sent her out into the backyard, and got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed his carpets clean. When he let the dear dog back in, she was covered in mud from the yard. He patiently cleaned her off with a towel, but, neglected her legs. Moments later he found yet another mess all over his carpet. He put her out again. He scrubbed his carpet again. When he opened the door to let her in for the third time, he must have immediately known his mistake. Arrested by the strong stench, he was temporarily stunned as the dear dog rushed passed him to again desecrate his carpet, this time infusing it with the charming odour of skunk.
That same night, Grandpa's sewer backed up and flooded his basement. And who should get lost in the basement but the lovely cat? So in addition to dealing with the dear dog, Grandpa also goes wading in the basement with a flashlight to search for the cat.

Horrendous story isn't it? Yet they laugh as they tell it because apparently Grandpa is laughing about it, too. It's either laugh or cry, right? He says "Well, I might have to burn the house down to get rid of the smell!"

So. After story time we settle down to study time. I like being around people my age, but I don't feel uncomfortable with older or younger people, in fact I think it's important to socialize and study with varying ages. That being said, I am at least 30 years younger than everyone in our study group except for said friend-like-a-sister. She sits across from me.
We are reading the scriptures laid out. It is a deep topic. "The Great Apostasy". The scriptures are intense and require great concentration. We are taking turns reading the assigned passages and I look over mine as I await my turn.

2 Peter 2: 22
"A dog returns to his own vomit" and, "a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire."

I press my lips together in a very thin line. I knit my eyebrows together. I bite my lip. I try to think about something else. I try to concentrate on the passage currently being read. I take a note. I lick my lips. I know my turn is coming. I must not look up at my friend across the room. One look at her and I will lose it. She is a kindred spirit. She will either know immediately why I look so pained or want to know and then all will be lost. It's my turn. I read the passage. The part about the dog and the sow is at the end, so I am able to feel the weight of the passage, and when I finally come to that part, I do not hesitate. I press on, perhaps speaking a little faster than usual, and... I make it through! I did. not. laugh.

The things I have discovered about giggle fits.

1) Don't start. If you start, you're done for.
2) Avoid eye contact. Don't even think about eye contact.
3) Think about something unrelated. Not something sad, because anything highly emotional could set you off at this point. Try to concentrate on what's going on around you.
4) They are not a sign of ditziness. I always associated giggles with being a little dumb or immature, but I recently read a book about a girl getting her MPhil at Oxford who openly confessed that she was prone to giggle fits.
5) Tell a kindred spirit about what made you want to giggle afterwards at an appropriate time, and have a hearty giggle about it then.
6) Forget what made you want to giggle in the first place so it doesn't come back to haunt you at an inopportune time... like during a sermon.

health nut

Most of you who know me know that in the past years I have turned into a total crazy health nut/monster.

 Anyways I read the book the Maker's Diet by Jordan Rubin and it pretty much changed my life forever. My mom read it too and she, my dad, and I try to follow the healthy lifestyle that Rubin lays out in the book. I do this not just to be healthy, but also for existing allergies and sensitivities that I have to food. Basically I don't eat dairy, gluten, and eggs. People are always shocked and horrified and say "that must be so limiting!". When you think about it, though, that still leaves a whole host of delicious and healthy foods! I eat a ton of meat including beef, chicken, and fish but excluding pork and shellfish (scavengers, ew!). We buy local grass-fed beef and are currently looking for somewhere to get chicken at a decent price. I also eat tons of vegetables, the more the merrier. It's been great this summer because we were able to get a lot of local and organic stuff at the farmer's market. We also got local honey there, which is a great alternative to sugar in tea, coffee, and baking and also helps with seasonal allergies. I eat tons of nuts, and love soaking them in warm water and salt for 8 hours (3 days for almonds, draining them a couple times a day) then roasting them at 150  until they're dry (which takes hours and hours, but they're so delicious!). I can also stomach goat dairy products, which are now carried by pretty much any grocery store, so I eat a lot of goat cheese, yogurt, and use the milk in my tea and coffee. I do eat some grain products like rice and quinoa, but not very often. We try to eat sweet potato instead of white potatoes, and we usually have them a couple of times a week. Basically, I eat TONS!

Today I made gluten, dairy, egg, and sugar-free (as in refined sugar free, there is plenty of natural sugars from the dried fruits) pumpkin muffins. I was going by memory from an ordinary pumpkin muffin recipe, and using up some ingredients we had in the house.

They're not super sweet, but I like them. The spices give them a bit of kick, and though crunchy on the outside, they're nice and moist inside. Since they're a treat though, next time I would use another 1/2 cup of dates, and not boil them for so long, because it took too much of the sugar out. The only reason I boil them is to soften them so they can be blended. If you put them in the blender with the pumpkin and the oil you might be able to get away with not boiling them.

1 cup dates
2 1/2 cups flour ( I used 1/2 cup all purpose gluten-free flour, 1/2 cup quinoa flour, 1 cup coconut flour, and 1 tsp Xanthan gum which I think was too much)
1 cup grapeseed oil
1 cup raisins - soaked for 10 minutes in warm water
3 eggs (or for me, 3 tbsp. flax seed and 9 tbsp. warm water)
1 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
14 oz pumpkin

Boil the dates in water, drain, then shove them in the blender with the pumpkin. Mix dry and wet ingredients separately, then mix together, fill your muffin tins and bake at 400 for 15 minutes or so-ish.

Enjoy with chai tea and honey goat cheese. yum yum

a me novel

I have thought for some time that my life would make an interesting book. Or rather, that I could make my life into an interesting book. I've always felt, however, that I couldn't write it without knowing how certain things turn out.
Now, I'm beginning to realize how I have come full circle on some of those things. Even though I'm in a place of uncertainty in my life, there are some things of which I am very certain.
It's not time to write that book yet, but it is time to start living book two.

I am ashamed to say, I got lost again.
Never again will I brag about my amazing sense of direction. This time I was lost for a good half an hour, driving around Barrie trying to find the mall. I had gone to Barrie to pick up my grandma, and she chatted happily in my ear the whole time, completely willing to let me drive around until I had exhausted my own patience and finally stopped to ask for directions. I must remember her example next time I'm with my dad and he gets us lost...

Today, I went to the Bala Cranberry Festival. My dad has a booth there, advertising "Straight Shooter Tops", his upholstery business. The vendors who were there from local businesses were pretty normal, but the ones who make their living from travelling around to different shows and festivals... some of them were pretty interesting. It's just so different, such a different job description from what most of us are used to. Some of the things they sell are weird too, you have to wonder how they do any business. There was this one vendor, I'm afraid of saying too much because I think he was local, he was selling possibly one of the most boring things in creation, and only that one product. He looked like a Calvin Klein model, and the way he stood made him look like he was posing, and his gaze was so aloof like "approach my booth... if you're worthy of my beauty". I never saw anyone approach his booth.

The vendor across from my dad sells jewellery. My dad says he's an absolute tyrant, sweet and flattering to his customers one minute, and cursing them the next. I guess that's one thing about being a travelling vendor, you don't really need to have a reputation with your customers.

I went to the gym this afternoon, and this song came on my i-pod.
Against the Grain - City and Colour

I really like this song. I find it encouraging and relaxing. I feel though, that this whole "follow your heart" thing that our culture and world embraces is often used as an excuse for doing whatever we want (YOLO!). God says (Jeremiah 17:9) that are hearts are wicked and deceitful... so I'm not sure they're the best compass to follow.

So I'm going to believe this with my whole heart.

Psalm 3:5 &6
⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

It just seems like a way better idea. My heart can be a little spastic sometimes.